Painful reminders
by Rizzles-JaneandMaura
Summary: Maura finds out one of Jane's deepest, darkest secrets. Will she be able to accept Jane for who she is, even if Jane doesn't know herself? TBC WARNING- Smut, Lemons and gender dysphoria. Don't like, don't read. NC-17
1. Chapter 1

Painful reminders.

Disclaimer I don't own anything, and all mistakes are mine.

This is not my first fic I've written, but it is the first one that I have had the guts to post. So, please be gentle. Constructive criticism and feedback is very welcome. So are idea's on where this story could go.. coz I don't really know

It had been an excruciatingly long week for homicide detective Jane Rizzoli. A six-year-old girl had been found, with a gaping stab wound to her abdomen. Chief Medical Examiner Doctor Maura Isles had examined the body meticulously, three times. Not finding a single piece of evidence to trace back to the killer. Not a fingerprint, fiber or even a single strand of hair to examine. Everyone hated murdered children. The Homicide Department had been put under major strain by the Brass to find the killer, but the detectives still had no leads. The family had been distraught when questioned and where of no help at all. The child's school and playgroup had been of no help either. Jane was starting to think that this murder was a crime of opportunity, a passing stranger that was angry enough to kill and took it out on a child. The kid had been found in an alleyway in South Boston, presumably taken on her three-minute walk home from school. Jane had gone over her notes at her desk for almost three hours now and nothing was speaking to her. She ran her hand through her unruly dark hair and moaned. She sprung out of her chair, nearly knocking it over in her haste to do something. She started pacing. Back and forward in the squad room. Just to do something so she didn't feel so damn useless. She was angry. And frustrated. So damn frustrated. She felt like tearing out her hair and screaming.

"Go home Jane." came the quiet voice of her partner Barry Frost.

"There's nothing more we can do tonight. Go get a good nights rest and come back in the morning. We might be able to find something we missed then when we aren't running purely on caffeine."

Jane grunted at him.

"Yeah, but God, I feel so useless." Jane muttered, almost to herself.

"I know, Jane. But go home. I'll see you in the morning okay?"

"Yeah okay"

As Frost walked out of the room, Jane picked up her drab boxy blazer, gun and badge and followed him out of the building. As soon as she got into her car and pulled into traffic, she turned on her radio to a rock station. The music blared through the cruisers crap speakers. She needed to get her frustration out. She was practically seething. How could anyone just do that. To a freaking child? Nearly a week of pent up frustration and no sleep. Jane needed a release. She floored it to her apartment building. She knew what she wanted, What she needed. She had a date with Jack Daniels and her punching bag. Fumbling with the keys in her hand, she kicked the door in a vain attempt to get it to open.

"Bloody motherfucker" she muttered to nobody in particular as she finally got the lock undone. She strode into her apartment, shedding her gun, badge and clothes almost simultaneously in her haste for the punching bag. In a sports bra and spandex shorts she strapped her hands in a vain attempt to protect them. But Jane knew that by the end of the night her knuckles would be pulverized and her hands almost useless. Picking up her already half empty bottle of Jack Daniels, she took a swing, letting the fiery liquid burn her throat. Shaking in anticipation she slammed down the bottle and without reserve, rammed her fist into the innocent punching bag. She jabbed with her left hand, crossing over with her right. Kicking the bag with all her might then ramming her elbow into its faceless head. She had no idea how long she had kept up this pace, but she was soaked. Sweat drenched her whole body, collecting in her tied up hair then running, unashamed down her forehead. Drops shook free as she punched and kicked, making the carpet beneath her damp. Obscenities scrolled through her mind as she thought of what she would do to this scum bag when she finally took him down. But, whatever she did, she couldn't find peace. Couldn't find that safe place in her mind, free of emotions and thoughts. A good boxing session usually relieved her frustration. But, not this time. This time she was a mess. She was getting more and more frustrated, her growls turning into screams as she punched. The burn in her muscles grew to the point of complete and utter pain, but she could not get her body to stop.

"Just a bit longer" she growled as she felt a familiar burn deep in her abdomen. For Jane, frustration caused her more frustration. Of a sexual nature. She didn't know why it happened. She wasn't aroused. She was pissed. It could be to do with the fact that she hadn't been laided in months. Not that she was the getting 'laid', No, Jane preferred to do the 'laying' in those types of situations. But men didn't seem to understand this and would never give her what she needed. Full control. So, a while back when she figured that men weren't working for her, she turned to women. Women that knew what she needed and where happy to give it to her. Then suddenly, she didn't see men in the same way. She couldn't sleep with them. It repulsed her. She needed the control, and right now, she needed a release. A release that only one thing could give her. Mentally dragging herself away from the bag, she grabbed the bottle of Jack by the neck and took a swig. She liked the burn. It was calming, almost soothing. She trudged through her small , shitty apartment to her bedroom, her mind focused on one thing. She slid off her soaking spandex and threw them across the room. Leaning down to the bottom draw of her bedside table, she withdrew what she needed. She stepped into the harness, tightening the leather straps around herself. Jane stood back to admire herself in her mirror. 8 inches of a black, grooved cock stood proudly in front of her. She grunted with approval then reached into her closet for her pair of guys jeans. She slid them on, knowing her Ma would freak if she knew what Jane did when she was alone. This was one of her closely guarded secrets she didn't tell anyone. Not even her best friend, Maura. She couldn't bring herself to admit her need for power and control to her best friend. She was embarrassed by her need. That's why, if she ever left her apartment with it on (Which was hardly ever) she would pick a bar right across town so she would not be recognized. She would go home with a women, take care of her needs, while pleasing the women, then leave the womans apartment before she woke up the next morning. But it was too late for that now. Jane checked her watch, realizing in dismay that it was just a little past four and hardly any bars would be left open and everyone would have gone home for the night. Or morning, she should say. Moaning in annoyance, she came to the realization that she'd have to go on ahead alone to get her much-needed release. With a dissatisfied sigh she plopped down on her couch and started to unzip her jeans. Just as she was about to begin there was a loud rapping on her door. "This better be bloody important!" she shouted to the person behind the door as she got up and did up her jeans. Hopefully she could just hide her 'secret' behind the door as she got the person to leave. She undid the chain and yanked the door open, hiding her crotch behind the open door. "Maura? What are you doing here?" she questioned as Maura stormed in the door, shaking. She was wearing skin-tight jeans, red fuck me heels and a white blouse the made her boobs look freaking amazing. Jane shuddered but her thoughts got stuck in there tracks as Maura turned around and looked Jane straight in the eyes, then burst into tears.

"Jeez, Maura, Please don't cry. You know I hate it when you cry" Jane immediately reached out to her, enveloping Maura in her strong arms, completely forgetting about her 'appendage'. Maura was blubbering.

"I'm sorry, Jane. It's just this case, and the little girl and.." Then she felt it. Maura lifted her arms to Jane's forearms and pushed her away. Jane stumbled back in confusion, then instantly remembered the formed silicon between her legs that Maura was staring at. Maura's expression went from confusion to realization to horror to something Jane couldn't describe in an instant.

"I am so sorry, Maura, I ah well. Um I'm just gonna.." Jane stuttered, utterly embarrassed as she turned and took of to her bedroom to remove 'it' and gain some much-needed composure.

"Jane!" Maura shouted after her, heels clicking on the wooden floor. Jane turned to face Maura, to see her tears had dried and she wasn't shaking anymore. She was the picture of determination as she walked purposefully to stand in front of Jane then took her face in her hands. Maura leaned in and kissed her with a fiery passion. Jane pulled away, confused.

"Maura, What are you doing?"

"Jane, I need this. I need you" she pleaded as she kissed Jane again. This time Jane reciprocated, forcefully kissing Maura back as her hands snaked around her waist, coming to rest on Maura's amazing ass. Breaking the kiss for air, Jane looked deep into Maura's eyes.

"Are you sure about this? I mean just because we kissed doesn't mean we have to do anything else. I mean, only if you want..."

"Shut up, Jane." Maura said as she once again connected her now kiss swollen lips to Jane's. Her hands reached for the zipper on Jane's jeans, ripping it down the undoing the button. She pulled out Jane's cock and moaned into her mouth.

"Fuck me Jane." It was not a question, or a statement. It was an order. An order that went straight to Jane's core. She grunted as she felt herself wetting the leather secured over her pussy. Jane pushed Maura back into the wall beside her kitchen. She used her body to hold Maura's to the wall, sucking on her neck feverishly. Maura knew that it would leave Hickey's. And that turned her on even more, her lace panties drenched, her arousal making itself known. She could feel the slow, throbbing burn deep in her abdomen as her clit pulsed. She let Jane take over. Jane growled once again assaulting Maura's lips as she literally tore Maura's blouse from her body, buttons scattering on the kitchen floor.

"Ah Jane, Fuck." Maura moaned. Jane snickered. She loved it that she could reduce this gorgeous women to a panting, sweaty mess. A cussing panting, sweaty mess. Jane glanced down, getting an eye full of Maura's amazing boobs. Her hands immediately went to Maura's bar clips, releasing it in one smooth motion._ Jane has done this befor_e Maura mused. But at this moment she couldn't care less. She was focused on Jane tearing her bra from her shoulders and throwing it across the room. Jane grinned and hoisted Maura up so she could rap her jean clad legs around Jane's narrow hips, her bare back scraping against the smooth wall, heels up in the air.

"Has anyone told you that you have freaking amazing tit's Maur?" Maura flushed then let out a low moan as Jane's mouth came into contact with her left nipple, rolling it around with her tongue. Maura lifted her arms to rest on Jane's shoulders as she palmed her other breast with her hand, massaging it then giving it the same treatment with her amazing mouth as her left breast. Maura tried to ground her hips into Jane's, needing so friction to ease the throbbing in her core. But she had no leverage so she bucked her hips instead. Jane smiled, picking up on Maura's need. She ground her hips into Maura, the dildo sliding beneath her hips and settling on Maura's ass. Jane was sweating again. Her sports bra was thoroughly soaked and she could feel her arousal running down her legs and dampening her jeans. Her arms were cramping but she hardly registered it because nobody had ever turned her own so much that her juices ran down her legs. She kept sucking on Maura's breasts, the Doctor's head currently thrown back, resting on the wall behind her. She was flushed and panting. And she was the most beautiful thing to Jane. She had fantasized about this before. But she never thought she'd get this opportunity to have this magnificent woman in her arms. She lifted her head from Maura's breasts and attacked her flawless neck, making her way up to her lips. Maura reciprocated and kissed her back with a frenzied passion.

"Jane" She breathed as she tried to push Jane's pants down with her hips. The dildo rode up and was now rubbing directly on her clit over her jeans causing, Maura to hold in her tracks. Her breath hitched as she enjoyed the new sensations coursing through her body. Her arousal heightening even more as Jane's hips kept on grounding the dildo in place. Her panties were completely soaked and her arousal was stating to travel down her legs into her skin-tight jeans.

"Jane. Jane, Please. Take them off!" Maura begged. Jane grinned coyly as she released Maura, watching her try to stand in her heels on shaky legs. She got down on her knees and in one swift motion had Maura's jeans and lace panties down by her ankles. She looked up to see Maura's smooth, shaven glistening pussy, her juices slowly traveling down her legs.

"Agh god, Maur. Your so freakin' hot." She reluctantly tore her eyes away from the Doctor's core and went back to the task at hand, slipping both heels of her feet then removing her jeans. With Maura completely bare of clothing, Jane rose to her full height, using it to assert her dominance. She raised her hands and placed them on either side of Maura's head as she lowered her gaze to greedily take in Maura's naked body.

"Suck me" Jane commanded as she lifted her gaze back to Maura's eyes. Maura felt another flush of arousal travel through her body and settle in her core.

"With pleasure" she smirked, a coy smile vividly apparent. The Doctor made a big show of sexily dropping to her knees and taking Jane's large cock in her hands as she licked her lips in anticipation. Jane moaned and fought the urge to close her eyes and through her head back, not wanting to miss a single second of this delicious woman devouring her cock. Maura stroked the cock slowly a few times, staring up at Jane wickedly as she slid her perfect little tongue out of her mouth. Jane moaned even louder and bucked her hips as Maura daintily licked at the silicon tip. She kept her gaze on Jane as she stroked the upper half of the cock, her mouth slowly encasing the tip. Then she started to work it harder, her head bobbing up and down, increasing her pace as she went. _Damn, this woman is good. I bet she's done this a lot before. To other guys, when she should have been doing it to me. _Fire raged in Jane's eyes at the thought.

"Mine" She growled. Maura creased her eyebrows, momentarily confused by Jane's statement. She halted her ministrations only to be pulled roughly back onto the cock by Jane as she hands wove though golden curls and thrust deeply into Dr. Isles mouth.

"Do not stop." Jane growled almost anamalisticaly this time, making her displeasure known. Maura closed her eyes as her head bobbed frantically, trying to keep up with Jane's powerful thrusts. She tore down Jane's jeans, leaving them to pool at her feet.

"Ugh, Maura, so good, Keep going. Don't stop.." Jane groaned, as she kept on fucking Maura's face. Maura took her hands of Jane's cock and wove them around her legs, creeping up to Jane's sex beneath the leather. Jane immediately jerked away as if she was stung. Maura looked into Jane's blackened eyes, once again utterly confused. Jane's face flushed in either shame or embarrassment, the Doctor couldn't tell. Then her face hardened.

"Jane?" the doctor questioned.

"Get up, Maura" Jane commanded. Maura rose shakily to her feet, aroused beyond belief at Jane's display of power. Even if it did seem a bit odd that Jane would not let her touch her. Jane looked down at her cock, now glistening and smirked. _That is so god damn hot_ Jane thought as she went to grope Maura's perky breasts again, rolling her erect nipples around with her thumbs.

"Bedroom" She said, then walked away, leaving Maura gasping for air. The Doctor almost ran after Jane. She was so horny. She needed Jane, and she needed her now. Once inside Jane's bedroom she shut the door and walked back over to Jane, who was standing by the bed, with a predatory look in her eyes. Maura could see a wet trail making its way slowly down Jane's leg, and her nipples fully erect though her sports bra. Her abs glistened with a sheen of sweat and her raven locks were disheveled. She was beautiful. Her cock stood out wet and proud. Maura could not wait for it to be inside her. Jane reached out and grabbed her, pulling her in for another heated kiss. Maura's hands slipped around Jane's back in trying to pull of her sports bra. But Jane was having none of it. She growled as she threw Maura down onto the bed. Jane could not have anybody touch her there. Not her boobs. She despised them. The were something that made her look like a woman. Feel like a woman. And she didn't want that. She had to be in control. She had to be male. Nobody had touched her distinctively female parts of her anatomy in a long time. And it was going to stay that way if she had anything to do with it. But, now was not the time for such thoughts. Maura was in front of she, splayed out on the bed, her legs hanging apart off the end, her pussy so wet. Maura moaned. She needed release badly. Jane knelt on the floor between Maura's legs and inhaled her scent. A woman's smell was one of the things that Jane just couldn't resist. She took it all in before she dived in, giving Maura's pussy one wet, long lick. Maura trembled beneath her, her panting escalating. Jane placed a firm hand on her abdomen to keep her in place as she started to lick Maura again and again moaning at her salty sweet taste. She stuck her tongue into her core, earning a delighted squeal. Jane moaned and forced her tongue in further, then out again, in and out. She tongue fucked Maura still she was begging for more, her hand snaking its way down to rub at the clit Jane had payed no attention to, yet. Maura could feel her orgasm building deep in the pit of her stomach. Her torrent of moans grew louder and louder, as she trembled. Jane grinned and pushed Maura's hand away. Maura grunted in displeasure, only to groan again in pleasure as Jane's mouth latched onto her clit, softly sucking. "Jane!" She gasped as she involuntary kicked out with her legs, and gripped the sheets in her fists. The sensations were so intense and she was so close. The Jane slipped a long, thin finger inside her wet heat. Maura's hips bucked out of their own accord and as she threw her head back into the bed. Then Jane added a second finger and slowly started thrusting in and out of Maura while still sucking and licking at her swollen clit. She curled her fingers inside of Maura, making sure she stroked her g-spot with each thrust. Maura was quivering. Her whole body shaking under Jane. Her moans turning into screams.

"Arh, Jane" she yelled.

"What was that baby?" came the coy reply.

"Jane!" She yelled again as she threw her head back once again, hanging on the verge, needing Jane to push her over. Jane speed up her thrusts in reply, feeling Maura's inner muscles coiling, ready to release.

"Ahh, God, Fuck. Jane, I'm gonna..." And with that, Jane stopped. She withdrew her fingers and unlatched her mouth from Maura's clit. Maura yelled out in frustration. She was so damn close. Her arousal was pooling on the edge of the bed and was all over Jane's fingers and around her mouth. Jane stood up and smirked.

"What the Fuc..." Maura couldn't finish her sentence because Jane took her hips with rough hands and flipped her over, face down onto the bed. Maura groaned. Her muscles were wound so tight and her pussy was clamping around nothing in an effort for release. She felt Jane's hands on her ass, stroking and massaging it beneath her fingertips. Maura bunched up wads of sheet and squeezed them in her fists.

"Jane, Please. I need this. Please." Jane felt the twinge of arousal deep within her. She needed it to. She propped Maura up so she was on her hands and knees at the edge of the bed and spread her legs wide. She ran a single finger down Maura's slit, collecting the wetness she knew was inevitably there. Then she brought her finger to her mouth, and sucked the wetness away, relinquishing the sweet taste as she released it with a loud pop, making sure Maura heard it.

"I see you aren't above begging, Miss Isles." Jane teased.

"Jane!" Maura whined. Jane chuckled and lined herself up with Maura's core, teasing her entrance with the tip of her cock. Maura moaned, letting her head fall down between her arms. Jane smiled and gripped onto Maura's full hips. And then, with a powerful thrust, Jane slammed all eight inches of her cock into Maura's pulsing pussy. Maura's breath hitched in her throat, her scream never escaping its confinement as Jane watched herself slamming the cock in until the hilt and moaned loudly. This was what she had wanted for as long as she could remember, and she was defiantly savoring the moment now. She settled for a moment, letting Maura adjust to her, then slowly pulled out. Just as she had nearly pulled out all the way, she slammed back in, making Maura moan again loudly. Jane ran her hands down Maura's ass again and closed her eyes, letting the sensations overwhelm her. She gently massaged Maura's lower back which was glistening with sweat as she pulled her cock out completely.

"Jane, please." Maura begged. Her body was on fire because of her failed quest for release. Jane just grunted in reply. Her cock slipped back in Maura easily but this time she started with shallow, slow thrusts. She wanted Maura to come like she had never come before. And be very tired afterwards. So tired that she would fall asleep. Jane gradually increased her pace, working deeper and faster. She angled her cock downwards, and heard Maura's moan of approval through her shaky breaths meaning she was hitting the right spot. Her abs and shoulders burned but still, she kept going, speeding up to keep at that angle, hitting Maura's g-spot with each thrust. Maura was moaning, her body shaking and launching back and forward with Jane's thrusts, her breasts bouncing. She could feel her orgasm just out of reach as her muscles clamped the cock. Her arms and legs were trembling, muscles burning, making it hard to stay upright. But she managed, her whole mind consumed by the thought of a release that she desperately wanted. Needed. And it wasn't just her that needed it either. Jane could feel her impending orgasm rapidly approaching, but unlike Maura, she was desperately trying to keep it at bay. She couldn't let Maura see her come like a girl. She needed to get Maura there before she accidentally came herself. So, she added her fingers, drawing rough circles around Maura's clit with one hand, her other hand still clamping down into the soft flesh of Maura's hip. _She's gonna have bruises tomorrow_ Jane absentmindedly mused. Maura was now basically screaming. She could feel the tingling. Feel the burning throbbing now.

"Say my name." Jane husked as she bit deep into Maura's shoulder.

"Jane" Maura moaned.

"Louder, so the neighbours hear." Jane commanded.

"Argh, Jane!" Maura yelled.

Jane pinched Maura's clit, Hard. Maura let out an ear piercing scream as she tumbled over the edge, trembling and shaking. Delicious release flooded her senses as she felt her muscles release and her arms and legs give way as she collapsed onto the bed. Pleasure coursed through her veins as she rode out wave after wave of her orgasm, Jane still thrusting gently into her, leading her though it. Seeing Maura come so violently nearly made her submit to her raging desires, her clit was on fire and she could feel the blazing need deep within her. She was teetering on the verge of her own orgasm, but she valiantly held back. She couldn't let Maura see her come. Not like a freaking girl. Maura, completely oblivious to Jane's inner turmoil, stretched out on the bed, basking in her afterglow. She giggled, her head still so consumed with amazing feelings. Jane smiled, she didn't blame Maura for not noticing. Because, it was the point. Give her a freakin' amazing orgasm so she forgets about everything else. Then Jane could have her much needed release.

"I'll be right back, okay Maur?"

"Hmm" came the sleepy answer. Jane walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. Her hands were shaking as she tried to loosen the harnesses straps. She needed it and she needed it now. Jane finally got the harness loosened and stepped out of it, placing her cock on the kitchen island. She sighed and sat down on the edge of the couch and closed her eyes. Then she started stroking herself. She was so worked up she wouldn't take long. She just couldn't let anybody see this part. Hell., she didn't even watch it herself. She knew she needed release. That, she could come to terms with. But, how she actually got it was another story in itself. She was disgusted in herself. With her body. Disgusted that she had to do this to get herself there.

"Why did I have to be a fucking chick?" she muttered to herself. All her life it had been 'Janie' the girl. The girl who wasn't as good as the boys. Couldn't do things that the boys did. And that was all she ever wanted. Then, when she started to have sex with men, she didn't enjoy it. She tried to tell herself that she did, but she hated it. She wasn't good enough to be with the boys once again. No, now she was being dominated by them. And it made her sick. So, she decided to have sex like men did. But, there was one little problem with that. She had female genitalia. She could fuck like a man, but she still came like a girl. But, she needed it, so she pushed all thoughts out of her mind. She focused on her body shaking, her clit pulsing, her orgasm approaching. She stroked frantically and plunged her other hand deep inside her, curling her fingers into her g-spot. She moaned.

"Ahh, Come on!" she growled to herself. She pinched her clit then continued rubbing it. She was getting frustrated. Her orgasm was playing chicken with her. She knew she was going to have to resort to the thing that disgusted her most. But some things have to been done. Her decision was made. She got up off the couch and strode back over to the kitchen counter, to her cock. It was still wet from Maura. She swallowed. She hated this. But it had to be done. It was just a sick reminder of who she was. She threw her arm over the counter, bracing herself as she spread her legs. Picking up the cock, she thrusted it inside her, right into her g-spot. Her need for release was stronger than her urge to vomit. She thrusted it hard and fast into herself. She could feel it, right there. She pinched her clit. It worked for so many other woman. And she couldn't deny that was what she was. She moaned loudly, her orgasm ripping though her, hot liquid squirting from her body and onto the side of the island. She trembled as pleasure crashed through her body, intoxicating her. She immediately withdrew the cock and threw it down on the bench as her muscles gave way and she slumped to the floor, spent.

When Jane finally opened her eyes it was at least 10 minutes later. She saw the evidence of her orgasm all over the side of the island and remembered how it got there. Her stomach churned and she made a mad dash to the sink, just in time to she her dinner making a reappearance. She felt a strange calm after that. _Probably just the orgasm_ Jane thought as she was suddenly overwhelmed with tiredness. Almost on auto-pilot, she cleaned the vomit and ripped off paper towels from the got down on her hands and knees, and cleaned up the remains of her orgasm. Once she was done, She threw the paper towels in the bin and started to make her way back to the bedroom. She spun around then stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes nearly popping out of her head in shock.

"Maura" she choked out.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I still own nothing, believe me. All mistakes are mine.

Readers, this chapter is entirely from Maura's point of view. I'm not going to be switching the point of views often, but I felt that the last three or so paragraphs in the last chapter needed explaining from Maura's perception. So, here it is. I hope this measures up to the last chapter. All idea's, comments and conductive criticism is very welcome.

Maura barely registered that Jane had left the room. She was still basking in the afterglow of an amazing orgasm that Jane had just given her. She lay on the bed with a very satisfied grin on her face. The next thing she heard was a loud, throaty moan coming from down the hallway. Maura instantly felt guilty. She had just had a mind-blowing orgasm, and in the heat of the moment, she had forgotten all about Jane's needs. She quickly extracted her sluggish body from the bed and found some of Jane's boxer shorts and a tank to quickly slip on before she went to investigate the source of the moans. Even though she already knew who they were coming from. As she was going to leave the bedroom to find Jane_,_ she caught a view of herself in a wall hung mirror. Hickey's marred her once flawless neck and a bite mark was vividly apparent on her collarbone. Out of curiosity, Maura lifted up the hem of Jane's tank that she had borrowed. Two hand shaped bruises were in there early stages on both of her hips. Maura's felt another gush of arousal dripping from her core at the thought of being dominated by Jane. Jane, who she had always wanted, but was too scared to say anything to. She was terrified that Jane would freak out and run, then their friendship would be ruined. She didn't want to risk it. She could deal with loving Jane from a far. _Wait, love? _Maura thought. She knew she wanted Jane, on a sexual level, but love had only just entered the equation. And, If Jane only wanted her for a one night stand, then her feelings would stay in the dark. The would have to. Another loud moan pulled her out of her stupor and set her feet in motion. She opened the bedroom door and headed down the hallway to find Jane. She padded lightly, not wanting to disturb Jane, if she didn't want to be disturbed. But, she saw Jane on her couch with her back to Maura, obviously masturbating. Just as Maura was about to open her mouth to ask if Jane needed any help Jane growled.

"Why did I have to be a fucking chick?"

Maura was instantly taken back. _What does Jane mean by that? She has always seemed quite comfortable with her gender around me. She is possessive and controlling, but isn't that a 'cop thing'?_

"Agh, come on!" Maura heard Jane growl to herself. Jane was obvious to Maura's presence in the room and Maura was battling the desire to make her presence known, and help Jane out and her desire to watch Jane masturbate. It was arousing Maura, and she could feel Jane's boxers becoming damp between the legs and a persistent throbbing in her core. She could see Jane was getting more and more frustrated, and she nearly walked over to her. She had a sudden urge to feel Jane, to taste her, because she had just realized that in the heat of the moment, she had not touched Jane's sex or breast's once. _But, every time I tried to touch her, she pushed me away. _Realization hit her like a slap in the face. _Jane didn't even want me to touch her. That's why she pushed me away, and wouldn't let me pleasure her. That's why she's masturbating now. Because she's that disgusted in me. She's disgusted that we just had sex. But, I'm not that repulsive, am I? _Maura was about to slink back down the hallway, hurt and confused when Jane got up and crossed the room. Maura backtracked a bit so Jane wouldn't see her. She was now confused by Jane. Why didn't she just finish herself off on the couch? Then she spotted the dildo and harness that Jane had used on her only ten minutes ago sitting on the kitchen island. _Ohh, she can't get off by herself. Well, that's normal, some female's experia..._ Maura was complete thrown of her train of thought as she saw the look of sheer repulsion on her friend's face as she watched as Jane picked it up and slide the dildo from the harness. Jane widen her legs and braced herself with one arm on the island. The look of pain and conviction broke Maura's heart as Jane thrusted into herself. Tear's began to flow down Jane's face as she grunted. Maura knew Jane wouldn't even realize she was crying, because she knew Jane would consumed by her battle for release against her complete and utter aversion to the dildo in her hand. Maura could hear Jane's breathing quicken, her moans become more frequent. She saw Jane hunch over, her face contorting as she came, ejaculating all over the islands wall. Jane swiftly removed the dildo from her body, slammed it down on the counter and sunk to the ground in shame riddled pleasure. Her body shook with her orgasm. She stretched her long body out and closed her eye's. Maura looked away. She couldn't watch anymore. She felt remorseful over her earlier internal comments. It wasn't that Jane didn't want her to touch her. It was because she was so insecure with her body she just couldn't let anybody touch her. _That would explain Jane's distaste for hugs. _Maura mused. She felt sympathetic toward's Jane, even though she knew Jane would never allow her pity. _How come she never told me that she felt so insecure? Why did she not open up and tell me that she hated being touched? Does she not trust me enough? Or maybe she just bury's it so deeply within herself that she can't bring herself to talk about it? Does she dislike being female? She hasn't shown any really prominent signs of gender dysphoria before. _Maura lost track of time in her thoughts and eventually, she saw Jane stir. She got up and eyed her ejaculate in distaste. Clamping a hand over her mouth, she ran to the sink and vomited violently. Maura stepped back into the doorway, watching Jane. Watched as she vomited at the sight of something so feminine. Watched as Jane cleaned up, hurriedly. She could only stare back at Jane when she choked out her name. Maura couldn't get the shocked look of her face. It was as if the wind had changed and her facial expression was stuck. She just stood in front of Jane, with her mouth agape as tried to come up with a sentence that would calm the both of them down. Failing drastically, she crossed the room and drew Jane into her arms.

"It's going to be okay" she whispered into Jane's ear as she rubbed soothing circles on Jane's still naked back. Jane pulled back to look at Maura, then broke down completely.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Hey readers, I know this is ridiculously short and i do apologize. There is more, i just haven't edited it yet. You will defiantly be getting an update within the next few days. I know it's no excuse, but school as been hectic and I haven't had any free time in over a week. My bad. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer from first chapter applies ;)

Jane stood, basically naked and sobbing into Maura's neck. She wasn't quiet sure why she was crying. Maybe it was all the pent up emotions, maybe it was the possibility that Maura wouldn't accept her now that she had seen.. that. Or maybe it was because she was just plain scared of losing the best friend she had ever had. Maybe Maura had not seen all of it though? Maybe there relationship could still be salvaged? Or since Maura knew who she really was, would she would run for the hills just as everyone else had before her. Jane's gripped Maura harder, not wanting to consider losing her. Truth be told, Jane did enjoy Maura's touch in some capacities. Like hugs. And she didn't want this to be their last. She breathed in Maura's still sweaty but intoxicating scent. She couldn't lose her. Maura's arm's tightened around Jane's back. It killed her to see Jane so vulnerable. It was making her emotional herself. And, that was not what Jane needed right now. Jane needed a stable friend to lean on. Maura vowed to herself she would be that person. She would help her through this. She would not leave her. Maura started to pull away, so she could help Jane into bed, but Jane hung on to her fiercely.

"Don't leave me, Maura. Please, don't leave me" Jane sobbed.

"Shh, Jane. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you, Jane"

That seemed to make Jane even more emotional, and she started to shake.

"Come on. Let's get you into bed."

Maura lead Jane to the bedroom, their hands linked as Jane meekly followed. Maura let go of Jane's hand as she walked over to Jane's side of the bed and peeled back the covers. Jane followed her and sat down. Suddenly feeling very embarrassed as she was not one to get so emotional so easily, Jane put her head in her hands in a vain effort to try and hide herself. To hide her shame. Maura reappeared back in front of her with a pair of boxer shorts and knelt down to put them on Jane.

"I got it, Maur" Jane quickly said, taking the boxers from the Doctor and hurriedly slipped them on, now well aware of the state of her undress. Maura retreated back to her side of the bed without another word and got in. She could still smell their arousal clinging to the covers but choose to ignore it as she settled into the sheets. Jane was lingering back, not getting in the bed. _What if this is just an act? What if she goes running tomorrow. What if she's freaked out now? _

"Come on Jane, Get in the bed." Jane reluctantly slid under the covers, lying on the edge of the bed as far away from Maura as she could get. Maura reached out and put a comforting hand on Jane's shoulder.

"It's okay Jane, I won't bite."

Jane laughed at the irony, considering she had a faint bite mark on the right side of her neck. Maura chucked as well. She pulled Jane closer to her, sliding her arms around the Detective's slim waist. Jane instinctively pulled back. She wasn't one to cuddle in bed, much less be cuddled. But Maura was insistent and slid her arm around Jane again as well as interlocking their legs.

"Just let me hold you Jane." Jane sniffed and turned around into Maura's arm's. She rested her head in the crook of Maura's neck, tears still running down her face and onto the pillow beneath her. Maura put her arms around Jane again, embracing her. Trying to convey her acceptance to a distraught Jane.

"Im so sorry, Maura" she whimpered.

"Shh, Jane. You don't need to apologize for anything. Just go to sleep okay?" Jane snuggled further into Maura, bunching up the tank top she was wearing with her fists. She shuddered, as she tried to get her breathing in control.

"I won't leave you, Jane." Maura whispered as she placed a soft kiss on Jane's forehead.

"Not now, and not ever."


	4. Chapter 4

Hey readers. I know i am kinda dragging the story out a bit, I know. But that is because I'm not really sure where its going. If there's anything you guys want to see, please pm me ;)

Previous disclaimer applies. All mistakes are mine.

Jane awakened to her 7am alarm disotentated and confused. Someone had their arms securely wrapped around her. It had been years ago when she had been held like this. Since she had actually let someone hold her like this. She wiggled her way out of Maura's embrace to shut up her alarm clock. Maura was not yet awake, and Jane took the time to just admire her as the memories of the night before came flooding back. She remembered Maura barging into her apartment. The heated kisses, the sex. Probably the best sex of her life, with her best friend. Then the vomiting, leading to her breaking down in Maura's arms. Her face flushed bright red as she remembered the ordeal. Jane didn't know if she could face Maura when she woke up. Jane defiantly knew she wouldn't be able to look into her eyes. Her beautiful, hazel eyes that seemed to be open windows into Maura's soul. Jane's eyes drifted to her neck that was now covered in multiple hickey's. She hoped Maura wouldn't regret their night together once she saw them. She also hoped that the Doctor would be able to cover them up. She couldn't have anybody knowing what they had done. Not when she could hardly come to terms with it herself. Time was ticking and the pair of them needed to be at work early. They still had the 6 year old homicide case open and it still had no leads. Jane took in Maura's calm, sleeping features once more before she shook her shoulder's gently to get her to wake up. Maura stirred, groggy from sleep and moaned. She rolled over and snuggled deeper into the blankets.

"Ahh, Maur, we gotta get up" Jane husked, but not with her usual confidence.

Maura groaned and rubbed her eyes. Maura sat up in the bed and watch Jane hurriedly turn away from her.

"I'm gonna have a quick shower" Jane said as she bolted from the room. She left Maura sitting in her bed, contemplating what to do. Maura thought she should stay, she could make Jane breakfast and coffee. But she had no unwrinkled clothes to change into. They really needed to talk about last night. Maura knew it would probably be a lengthy conversation. A conversation that Jane would not want to partake in. She would see Jane at work, so maybe she should just leave? But what would Jane think if she did to leave? She didn't want Jane to think she was abandoning her. She could just tell Jane she was leaving. Maura moaned again as she physically made herself get out of the bed. She walked down the hall to the bathroom and opened the door a crack.

"Jane?" Maura questioned.

Jane jumped in surprise and quickly turned around in the shower. She didn't want Maura to see what she couldn't come to terms with herself.

"Ahh, Yeah, Maur?" Jane questioned back

"Do you want me to stay this morning? I need to go home to change my clothes and feed Bass, but I can go later if you want?"

"Nah, its fine Maur. You can go. I'll see you at work" Jane said. She had now gained her usual confidence as she realized Maura wasn't going to come into the bathroom.

"Okay" Jane heard the bathroom door shut, then open again a crack.

"Jane?"

"Yeah"

"I'll see you tonight?" Maura asked hesitantly as if she expected the answer to be no.

"Yeah, I guess" Jane sounded defeated and Maura quickly retreated back through the door. She knew that Jane and her did not have time for a proper conversation about last night. And Jane, being Jane would not want to talk about it anyway. Maura would have to force her down to get her to talk. Maura just sighed as she left the apartment. She'd talk to Jane tonight.

Jane stood alone in the shower, the water cascading down her front. Jane hated showers. She didn't hated the water though. She hated having to look at herself. She hated having to touch herself as she washed, or as she got dressed afterwards. Because of this, her showers were usually two-minute affairs. But not today. Today, she stood in the shower contemplating Maura's actions a few minutes before. It was probably going to be awkward between her and Maura now. And, Maura would want to talk about 'it'.The sex, the after events of the sex. And Jane didn't. Jane always felt extremely uncomfortable talking about her personal issues to anyone. And Maura would have questions. Probably a lot of questions. And she wouldn't stop asking them until she was satisfied. But, what was nagging on her mind more was the fact that Maura hadn't said to Jane what she wanted to do about the sex. Jane didn't know if Maura wanted a repeat or if she never wanted it to happen again. Jane was dreading and anticipating Maura and her inevitable conversation. Jane flattened her breasts to her chest with her hands as she mulled it all over in her head. She did this sometimes, even without realizing she was doing it. In a vain and stupid attempt to try to get rid of them, but, hey. Maybe one day they would magically disappear. Jane laughed at the insanity of her thoughts. Tit's don't just disappear. They stay on your body, just to haunt you. They remind you who you are everyday, and you can't hide from it. Jane leaned against the shower wall and closed her eyes. She really didn't know if she actually wanted to be a man or if she just needed the control. She hated her body. She hated that men didn't respect her because she had tit's. How are their dicks superior anyway? She grumbled to herself as she got out of the shower. In a practiced motion, she immediately picked up the towel and wrapped it around her body to hide herself from her own eyes. She hurriedly dressed, as she did every morning then walked to the kitchen for coffee. There already was a pot sitting on the bench and Jane smiled. _Thank god for Maura._ She thought as she poured herself a cup. She gulped it down after she spied the wall clock saying it was ten to eight. Jane grabbed her gun, badge and blazer, then ran out the door.


End file.
